1.  According to Starr's on Broadway, and to his own statement on the television program 20/20, Kenneth Starr derives immense pleasure from:

A.  Dressing up in a Superman outfit and telling people that he's fighting for Truth, Justice and the American Way!

B.  Singing church hymns in the afternoon

C.  Doing the Dosey Doe with his wife at the monthly Knights of Columbus square dances

D.  Taking pot shots at moose with Charlton Heston and George W. Bush, at the annual NRA charity picnics

 

2.  If the history books are to be believed, a disoriented twenty four year old malcontent named Lee Harvey Oswald fired three shots from a sixth story window, several hundred yards away from a moving car, and managed to hit:

A.  President John Kennedy, three times 

B.  Governor John Connally, two times

C.  Patrolman J.D. Tippit, one time

D.  All of the above and much more 

 

3.  According to Starr's on Broadway, in Richard Nixon's day, the duties of  White House interns were limited to:

A.  Trimming the president's nose hair and cleaning the dirt from under his nails

B.  Keeping the Democrats occupied by cleansing their pipes, while the actual plumbers tapped their phones

C.  Giving the president a pedicure and shining his jowls

D.  Taking stenography and shorthand

 

4.  Which of the following is an historically documented fact:

A.  Bill Clinton's extramarital lover referred to him as The Big Creep!

B.  George W. Bush was never formally accused of chasing bush, but Dick Cheney was publicly renounced for going after dick

C.  At his favorite Mexican cat house, Lyndon Baines Johnson was affectionately known as EL BJ

D.  Hoover Dam was unofficially given it's name after J. Edgar Hoover's common law husband said that the FBI chief's rear cheeks looked like two big brown boulders

 

5.  When Bill Clinton made his 1996 campaign speech about wanting every school child to be able to use the internet, he never imagined that:

A.  They'd be able to log on and listen to hours of recorded phone conversations, in which Monica Lewinsky and Linda Tripp talk about his sexual escapades

B.  They'd be able to download six hundred page reports that chronicled every intimate detail of his sex life

C.  They'd be able to go to websites like this one, that unjustly parodied him and his fellow presidents 

D.  He couldn't have imagined any of those things; if anything, he was probably fantasizing about the hot female reporter in the second row

 

6.  Using American history of the last hundred years as a guideline, which of the following would be considered a reason to impeach a president:

A.  Using your father's money to buy an election

B.  Dropping nuclear bombs on a hundred thousand people

C.  Escalating a war for personal and political gains

D.  Blacklisting and causing the suicides of random innocent people

E.  Refusing to broadcast private details about a few quick sexual encounters, on international television 

 

7.  What was the name of Richard Nixon's dog?

A.  Spot

B.  Spiro

C.  Checkers

D.  Little Dick

 

8.  Though it's been argued that every politically powerful man has stepped out on his marriage, which of the following statements is not supported in the text of Starr's on Broadway?

A.  Kenneth Starr never cheated on his wife because he believed that to do so would be morally wrong

B.  Lyndon Johnson came home every night because he believed that his Texas bred spouse would shoot off his testicles, if he didn't

C.  Harry S. Truman didn't start having fun with the ladies until twenty five years after he kicked the bucket

D.  Richard Nixon walked the straight line because nobody bothered to tell him about some of the extra services that White House interns provided

 

9.  Since we all know that George Washington was an honest and loyal man, we have to believe that the genital splinters his wife discovered came from the splattering wood of the cherry tree he chopped down, and that they were not from:

A.  Making love to a Native American intern on a picnic bench

B.  Making love to a slave boy in a wood shed

C.  Making love to a wooden Lady Godiva doll that he bought from a catalogue

D.  Some woman's wooden teeth

 

10.  As Special Prosecutor for the United States, Kenneth Starr was given free reign to:

A.  Spend hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars

B.  Imprison people who were never convicted of crimes

C.  Relentlessly persecute innocent families

D.  Disregard the constitutional rights of American citizens, whenever he saw fit to do so

E.  All of the above and much more

 

11.  What do we know about the physical characteristics of Richard Nixon's dog?

A.  Checkers was spotted

B.  Spot was checkered

C.  Spiro had a crooked tail

D.  Little Dick couldn't stand up straight

 

12.  President John Fitzgerald Kennedy and high school student William Jefferson Clinton were photographed together while:

A.  Peeking through the window of Marilyn Monroe's dressing trailer, during the filming of The Misfits

B.  Attending a meeting of the Young Democrats of Arkansas

C.  Attending an American Legion debate

D.  Attending a party to celebrate the release of the first feature film to show two lesbians, kissing

 

13.  Less than fifty years ago, comedian Lenny Bruce was repeatedly arrested for getting up in adult nightclubs and talking about:

A.  Oral sex 

B.  Bringing a woman to orgasm by touching her genitals through her underwear

C.  Inserting a cigar into a woman's vagina

D.  Providing feedback about how a cigar tasted, after it had been inserted into a woman's vagina

 

14.  Less than two years ago, special prosecutor Kenneth Starr made his now classic report available to every school child who had access to a computer, a television or a newspaper stand, and that report went into graphic detail about:

A.  Oral Sex 

B.  Bringing a woman to orgasm by touching her genitals through her underwear

C.  Inserting a cigar into a woman's vagina

D.  Providing feedback about how a cigar tasted, after it had been inserted into a woman's vagina

E.  All of the above and much more

 

15.  Which combination of the following world leaders were never impeached?

A.  Bill Clinton & Genghis Khan

B.  Richard Nixon & Genghis Khan

C.  Andrew Johnson & Richard Nixon

D.  Andrew Johnson & Genghis Khan

 

16.  According to Saturday Night Live, Starr's on Broadway, and the opening sentence of his own autobiography, where was Richard Nixon born?

A.  In a log cabin next to a Quaker Oats factory

B.  In a house that his father built with his own two hands

C.  Behind the tool shed on a Missouri chicken farm

D.  At the Yorba Linda cinema, during a preview of D.W. Griffith's Birth of a Nation

 

17.  According to Starr's on Broadway, Harry S. Truman was to Nagasaki what:

A.  Neil Armstrong was to the moon

B.  Ted Kennedy was to Chappaquiddick

C.  Lyndon Johnson was to Vietnam

D.  Linda Tripp was to John Goodman

 

18.  Kenneth Starr became the Special Prosecutor and was given power over the president of the United States because he was:

A.  Elected by the will of the people

B.  Hand picked by Jesse Helms and some of the most conservative Republicans in the senate

C.  Chosen by the fair, impeccably honest and impartial Warren Commission

D.  Promoted, after spending thirty spotless years, working his way up the ranks of noble public service

 

 

19.  According to Starr's on Broadway's version of Webster's Dictionary 2000, the new word, Monica, is similar to the old word, Harmonica, because:

A.  They were both played by President Clinton, when his regular toys weren't available

B.  They're both easier to make and master than most comparable contraptions

C.  They both involve using your mouth to play instruments of similar size and diameter

D.  They both make music when you run your lips across their G-Notes

 

 

20.  Which of the following statements is not true:

A.  Hillary Clinton was the first first lady to be elected to public office

B.  George W. Bush was the second son of a former president to  be elected (cough) president

C.  Bill Clinton was the third president to be impeached

D.  Bill Clinton was the fourth president with the Christian name William

 

 

21.  Kenneth Starr and his learned colleagues spent six years and hundreds of million of taxpayer dollars looking under every sidewalk crack that Bill Clinton ever walked on and interrogating every person Bill Clinton ever knew, and when all was said and done, the special prosecutor was able to impeach the president because of activities involving:

A.  Filegate

B.  Travelgate

C.  Whitewater Gate

D.  A woman who lived in the Watergate Hotel

 

 

22.  According to Starr's on Broadway, which combination of distinguished gentlemen accused Richard Nixon of being paranoid?

A.  John Kennedy & Robert Kennedy

B.  John Lennon & Anwar Sadat 

C.  Malcolm X & Martin Luther King Jr.

D.  They all thought he was paranoid (but who laughed last?)

 

 

23.  Of the following, who was married to not one, but two, alluring Hollywood leading ladies of the screen:

A.  John Kennedy Junior

B.  Robert Kennedy Junior

C.  Joseph Kennedy Senior

D.  Ronald Reagan

E.  Janet Reno

 

 

24.  Though all of the statements below may arguably be fact or myth, which of the following is not clearly stated in Starr's on Broadway?

A.  Bill Clinton admired John Kennedy

B.  Richard Nixon admired John Kennedy

C.  John Kennedy admired John Kennedy

D.  Joe Dimaggio once tried to bash John Kennedy's skull in with a baseball bat 

 

 

25.  Though, in his private law practice, Kenneth Starr represented some of the large tobacco companies that Bill Clinton was trying to put out of business, in reality, the special prosecutor:

A.  Never put a cigar in his own mouth

B.  Never asked an intern to put his pipe in her mouth

C.  Never asked a woman to smoke a cigarette with any part of her body, other than her mouth

D.  Since Mister Starr was never the subject of an investigation, not enough public information is available to properly respond to this question

 

 

EXTRA CREDIT:

The answers to these three questions will not be found anywhere in the play; I hadn't heard the first one until last week, so unless you're Shillue, I'll be very impressed if you know it; these responses are worth ten points each, so take your time and answer them carefully:

 

Which of these wise and fair minded men was a member of the Warren Commission that  investigated the assassination of John Kennedy :

A.  Richard M. Nixon

B.  Gerald R. Ford

C.  Harry S. Truman

D.  Ronald W. Reagan

E.  The original George Bush

 

Which statement is absolutely, uncontestably  not true?

A.  Bill Clinton is the president that went after Bush

B.  Bill Clinton is the president that came between the Bushes

C.  Bill Clinton spent most of his life going after one Bush or another

D.  Bill Clinton's presidency ended on the same note as the career of the president called Dick

 

In 1555, the prophet Nostradamus wrote:

A.  When nigh on two thousand years have passed since Christ, an evil rouge will attempt to overthrow a revered monarch, using a soiled garment

B.  Rulers deceive, peeve and thieve, but on millennium’s eve, the stained clothing they weave shall make them grieve

C.  As those who lead might bleed by the greed of their breed, as two thousand draws near, they shall furthermore need to heed their discarded seed

D.  Come the millennium, month 12, in the home of greatest power, the village idiot will come forth to be acclaimed the leader

 

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Written by Eric Zaccar
© 2000 Central Art Productions Inc.  All rights reserved.
Revised: February 09, 2007

WATCH TEN MINUTE VIDEO MONTAGE

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WATCH ERIC ZACCAR'S RIVETING NEW MUSIC VIDEO, TURN AROUND

(totally unrelated to STARR'S ON BROADWAY)

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